We all have those friends who float on the fringes of reality. They glorify practices as harmful and demonic as water witching and levitation, and laud the health benefits of those as impotent as Himalayan salt lamps. Recently one of those dear souls was extolling on the amazing hearing restoration properties of beeswax ear candles.
Not long after, I was in the eye and ear section of the pharmacy intent on replenishing my supply of eye drops when, low and behold, in front of me was a stack of beeswax ear candles. Always open to an adventure, I bought a set.
The box encouraged users to relax, unwind, and melt away daily stresses with these luxurious candles. On the front of the box was a picture of a woman, eyes closed, peacefully reclining on a spa table. I was not a surprised to read the candles had not been tested on animals as I couldn’t quite conjure up the image of a lab rat reclining peacefully in its cage with a flaming candle protruding from each ear.
Each ‘candle’ is a 10½ inch hollow tube of wrapped cotton muslin, presumably soaked in beeswax. The tubes taper down at the end to a small open hole. Directions state to stick the tapered end of the candle in your ear, light the other end on fire, and “relax, unwind, and enjoy” while the candle sucks excess wax out of your ears. Laying on my bed with a flaming stick protruding from my ear was anything but relaxing. Instead I stood in front of the bathroom mirror with a sink full of water handy on the chance an errant spark set my hair on fire. The directions also stated that when the ash reached an inch long, to trim it with scissors. I did as told, letting the ash fall into the sink water.
Keeping an open mind, after the process was complete, I cut open the used candle to check for ear wax. The only wax in sight was obvious dribbles of beeswax from the burning candle.
In the end, I had a sink full of ashy water, the smell of burnt beeswax and muslin permeated my house more thoroughly than the most potent essential oil, and my hearing was no better than when I started. I was definitely NOT relaxed, unwound, or de-stressed.
No doubt after reading this my more enlightened friend is at this point forming a voodoo doll in my image out of recovered ear wax. Thankfully, I am not enlightened enough to feel the pokes.
